Advice from an old married woman
Its my 8 year wedding anniversary today. It has been almost 13 years since our first date and its got me thinking.
It’s not easy being married.
It is simultaneously the greatest joy in my life and also, at times incredibly difficult. Us humans are inherently selfish people, with selfish desires and an insistent longing for our own needs to be met.
When you take two people and expect them to put each other first, to compromise and work together towards common life goals, things can get strained.
I admit that there are times when single life looks appealing but then there are times when I lie in bed, look at my sleeping husband and realise that this love is probably the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.
It's a natural desire to want a life partner, to long for intimacy and for someone to walk beside us through every step of our lives but a spouse will never meet all your needs. Only God can do that.
The best advice I have ever heard on marriage was actually directed at individuals.
Work on yourself and the rest will follow.
At a marriage course we were told to focus on improving ourselves only.
So much heartache comes from trying to “fix” someone else. You may love your spouse but any work you attempt to do on them will usually cause damage rather than healing.
Working on yourself is equally valid inside or outside a relationship.
The best time to build into a marriage may be before you even meet them.
I firmly believe that the best contribution you can make to any relationship is becoming an emotionally and spiritually healthy person. This work is usually pretty private, between you and God.
Practical and productive arguments
“Wherever two or more gather in my name there will be conflict…” no that’s not what Jesus said, but it’s still true.
Arguments are inevitable.
Having arguments is not a sign that you married the wrong person. Arguments are a sign that two different human beings are coming together to solve an issue, which is perfectly healthy and even good.
Even after all these years (12 for the record) we still argue, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The key is to make a conscious effort to have a productive argument, with an actual solution.
Learn from others
We went to a marriage course when we were newly-weds and it was really helpful. It was then I realised how valuable other peoples insights can be for us. We have since attended a few other courses, and both like to improve ourselves.
Over the years we have both bought relationship books and worked through them. We have also been to counselling, both as a couple and on our own when needed help with a tough situation.
It is critical to take opportunities to build into relationships. Putting time into our marriage is something that gives back to me many times over.
As I learn things and work on myself, I am enabled to become a better cheerleader for my hubby, and as he is encouraged he steps forward and tries new things, reaching to greater heights than previously.
Likewise as he builds into our marriage, I am encouraged and go forward with enthusiasm, reaching further than before, knowing I have his full support.
I want to keep working on myself and building good things into the foundation of my marriage. I love my husband so much. I want to see him succeed and excel at whatever he puts his hand to.
And isn’t that what marriage is all about?
KG
PS - after we both forgot it was our wedding anniversary and facebook reminded us, Lyndon went and got me lovely flowers and a beautiful card. He is pretty great really.
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