My unbearable feeling
David Riddell, (a Christian counsellor) likes to say that everyone has an unbearable feeling (UBF). He suggests that a lot of unhealthy behavior comes about from a desire to avoid this UBF. For me one of my UBFs is shame or humiliation.
I cannot stand the idea of feeling embarrassed or shamed. I will do almost anything to avoid that feeling. I modify my behavior to make sure I never have to experience that feeling.
When I was a child I would refuse to try new things until I was sure I could succeed or at least do the new thing without looking stupid. This meant I watched a lot of games from the sidelines rather than joining in.
I have a wonderful cousin who does not share this UBF (as far as I can tell) and she would join in anything going, she would try new things. If she looked stupid she would laugh until everyone was laughing with her. I never understood how she could be so brave, or stupid. Didn’t she know that the world might end if she was embarrassed?
I am the type of person that can lie awake for hours thinking about all the stupid things I’ve done. It’s not fun, so I don’t recommend it.
I struggle with insomnia; it often takes me several hours to fall asleep, longer if I focus on my failings. When I was little, mum told me to imagine nice things if I couldn’t sleep, think about kittens and all the wonderful things in the world. So I did.
I would fall asleep imagining all the kittens I was going to own when I was a grown up. In my
mind, adulthood was worth looking forward to solely because I could own 100 kittens…. Which does explain a few things.
When the kitten thing didn’t work, she told me to pray for people. So began a habit. This habit of easy conversation with the creator of the universe has stayed with me.
It is easy to look at the bad things in life, like insomnia but it’s fascinating to look at the good that came out of it. Because I sometimes had trouble sleeping as a child I learnt to pray, to connect with God and developed a real faith without needing an adult mediator.
My fear of embarrassment also meant that instead of trying new things I would often end up reading instead. I read voraciously, I couldn’t get enough. My favorites were the Famous Five books, but I didn’t discriminate. I can remember during our intermediate class reading time I pulled out “Gone with the Wind”.
It is a massive book. My teacher didn’t believe I was really reading it and I can remember having to explain the whole story line to her and explaining about the civil war before she would believe it. At the time I thought she was a bit thick, needing a 12 year old to explain American history to her.
My love of reading has been a great gift. I am still reading voraciously although instead of the Famous Five I am now into Agatha Christie’s murder mysteries. My love of reading has given me adventures in different countries, in different times and even different worlds (thank you science fiction). Reading fast is also a big help when studying or doing research for work.
While David Riddell is right in saying that we need to conquer our UBFs, so we can live full and happy lives, I am also grateful for the good that came about because of them. Indeed God can use anything for our good.
KG
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8 verse 28
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