Identity Crisis
In spiritual life the concept of identity comes up a lot.
I have decided to follow Jesus teachings. But does this help me find who I am or does it mean I have to be a different person? Can I truly still be myself and be a follower?
As a teen I felt like being a Christian meant I couldn’t be myself. That I had to hide who I was (with all my hormonal angst , urges and general anger). I had to try to be someone else.
Through my teenage years the cry of my heart was “who am I?”
Did I fit in this group, or that? What did I want to do with my life?
I remember feeling there were two of me. One who wanted to chase after wealth, adoration and success and the other who believed in God and knew that there was something more important. This tug of war went on and still goes on.
Eventually I decided I couldn’t be a Christian and be happy.
I was sick of pretending. I wanted nice clothes, I wanted to be pretty with expensive shoes, and do fun things that involved spending a lot of money. When I admitted this, adult Christians were a bit horrified and talked to me about spiritual things.
Therefore I reasoned that I shouldn’t want these things and as a Christian I was a failure.
I couldn’t reconcile these two aspects of myself, I drifted away from church and God and gave up trying.
As an adult I need to find a way to reconcile those parts. I can’t reject everything I want and remain whole and happy.
The dreams and desires are slightly different now. I want to go on a cruise, buy expensive furniture, up-grade our house.
I want those things. A lot.
But these desires seem at odds with my determination to follow God wholeheartedly. It doesn’t seem very godly to want to go on a cruise and drink cocktails.
Am I allowed to want these things?
I can’t really change how I feel on the inside, so do I just have to pretend I don’t want them? Pretending and feeling I wasn't acceptable led me to give up on God last time, so that’s not a good option.
Is it ok to want nice things while half of the population lives in abject poverty?
I know God isn’t against nice things per se. Maybe I need to acknowledge that it’s ok to want nice things.
Part of being a Christian is remembering it’s a journey. Maybe one day I will be so focused on God that these desires just fall away. But not today.
Maybe I need to look back, see how far I have come and celebrate the good in my life. Maybe if I focus on the positive and stop worrying, I might grow.
Hopefully in 10 years I can look back again and see more growth, but that is not going to happen if all I do is beat myself up.
What do you think?
KG
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