Looking for a Boyfriend
Looking for a church is like looking for a boyfriend.
You scope out some online or via friends.
You go on a lot of first dates.
You have a few successful first dates that somehow fail to translate into good second date.
And the whole time you are just wanting to find the “right” one.
Relationship advice is; know yourself and be comfortable in yourself before you forge a relationship. Don’t expect the other person to fix or complete you. This seems sensible.
As I look for a church to call my own it has become increasingly obvious that I don’t really know who I am. And how can I find the right fit in a church if I don’t know myself?
There are two things I do know, with full certainty, without a doubt:
I love God
God loves me. A lot. Probably I am his favourite. (its ok you can be his favourite too, he has space for both of us)
But everything else seems strangely uncertain.
But over time I have learnt that I value:
A little bit of ritual and tradition
Immersive worship, songs that I can lose myself in
Hearing a wide range of view points
Respect and politeness for all people
Hearing the bible regularly
Discussing the bible
Being reminded that I am completely forgiven (because of Jesus, not because of my efforts)
I have learnt that I do not like:
Fakeness
One person doing all the speaking or having repetition
Judgement or rating people based on race, socio-economic grouping, ability level, IQ or usefulness
Pressure to conform
Sermons that are self-help, or “this is what’s wrong with you, here’s how to fix it”.
I have come to believe that only God can change people. I want a church that creates an atmosphere of seeking God and the presence of God, and allows God to speak to people and work on things with people. I believe church should facilitate people meeting with God and trusting that in that, God will show his priorities to the individuals involved.
Since my last long term relationship with a church I have found connection with God, in other ways. Ways I never bothered to look into previously. I have started getting into the bible again. I started listening to a lot of random podcasts and now subscribe to a few helpful ones. (Nomad podcast and Bad Christian podcast)
I listened to a lot of sermon podcasts, but funnily enough didn’t get much out of most of them. Maybe it’s the traditional sermon structure or boring “one person doing all the talking” thing but I find podcasts with discussion and interviews way more thought provoking and helpful to my spiritual journey. Although Bethel church sermons are quite thought provoking.
This does make me question the traditional structure of a church service too. Is having one person give a lecture the best way for people to engage with God or learn? I suspect that in the past when people were uneducated or didn’t have time or access to read a bible themselves the lecture format from an educated bible scholar was very helpful. But in this day and age I guess I sometimes wonder if the people up the front necessarily know a whole lot more than the people sitting down. This is probably why I prefer a short sermon, and a church that has a lot of different speakers. That way you get the best from a group of people rather than a single perspective or single understanding.
I admit that I do listen to Joel Osteen’s sermon podcasts, mostly because he is so darn cheerful and positive about things. It does me good to hear in a southern accent that “God has good things in store for you, my friend” and “This is my bible, I am what it says I am, I have what it says I have, I can do what it says I can do” etc.
From this self-driven searching I have learnt that I need:
A Christian perspective and discussion on dirty, messy, yucky and real things. I need to know that God is relevant to ALL my life, not just the polite “Christian” type parts.
A real experience of God, not just an intellectual understanding
Positive reinforcement and focus on the good God has for us
Silence, personal reflection, meditation and contemplative prayer (sort of like what I imagine monks/nuns do).
Hearing the actual word of God, the bible read out loud regularly
So its a big list of what I need and want in a church. Maybe I am that girl who has a list of requirements of her perfect boyfriend and all her freinds know she is being far too picky. But gosh darn it, I know what I want and I am too old and too grumpy to settle for almost, or part of my needs being met.
Maybe I will have to go to a couple churches. Maybe I will have to keep up the Joel Osteen podcast sermons to fill that need. But however I get my needs met, so long as I am moving forward in my own spirituality and discovering my place in the world it has got to be a good thing.
Still keeping an eye out for that perfect boyfriend though
KG
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