Beauty from Ashes
Just to clarify when I talk about pain, I am certainly not talking about “50 Shades of Grey”, although I realise it is the hot topic this week.
When I think about pain I think back to the time I spent in hospital having surgery. I think of the times my brain stopped working and was exhausted with M.E. I think of amnesia and head injury.
Everyone (everyone!) has gone through a painful time in their lives. To be alive is to experience pain of some sort. For some it is a hideous break up, or a death in the family. For others it is physical pain from a disease, for some it’s the horror of mental illness.
For me the painful time was the whole M.E./concussion/back surgery years. I can still honestly say I struggle to get over it. If you ask me about it in a caring way I will well up and have a few tears. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through.
As a Christian pain certainly makes you think about your faith. How can a good God allow bad things? How can a God who loves me, let me go through this? (And if there is one thing I am sure about, it is that God loves me).
Lots of people gave me lots of answers, most of which contradicted one another. One I liked and that fits with my understanding of God is that while God is good, the earth is not ruled by God at this point. God created the earth perfect and then he created us, with free will and we get to rule the world. God can and does work in this world through his people but he only comes into situations when he is invited in, he doesn’t decide everything that happens to us or around us.
Anyway in my pain I had moments of great clarity. I can remember lying face down on a hospital bed during emergency surgery under a local as they cut 11 cm deep before deciding that it was too much and I would have to go to theatre. As I lay there, watching blood pool on the floor of the emergency room under me (yep it was pretty impressive looking at the time) a song came into my mind that I used to sing at church. The words were so comforting and brought me such peace at a time when I was terrified, and I had this moment of absolute calm and serenity knowing God was there with me.
That song had never meant that much to me when I sang it in church, the words were just words. But in that situation the words took on this great significance and meaning and I had a moment of beauty in the midst of the pain.
But was that one moment of grace and peace enough to make the whole thing worthwhile? HELL NO!
The bible says that God uses all things for the good of those who love him. [Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose”]
But honestly I never felt like it was used for my good. It didn’t feel good. It didn’t achieve anything. It ruined a large part of my life.
But today I was in the car listening to a podcast as I drove around for work. I heard a speaker talk about how our busy-ness can ruin our lives. About learning to say no. Learning to let go of good things so you can do the things that inspire you and make you feel alive. Learning to give up half the stuff we do so we can focus on what’s important to us. Learning to ignore criticism when you won’t join in what everyone else is doing, especially when it’s a good thing (like a fundraiser for a charity).
And you know what? All these things the speaker was talking about that people were struggling with and having to gather courage to do, well goodness me, I learnt that through my illness.
There is no need to tell me that we have limited energy and to be effective you need to pick and choose a few things to do that you really value. By God, that is bloody obvious when you have had M.E.
There is no need to tell me that its ok to stop doing some good things because you just don’t have the capacity to do it all and stay healthy.
There is no need to tell me that people will criticise and argue with you when you refuse to take part in a good cause. I have HAD to accept this and calmly say to myself, “well people can be douche-bags but they don’t understand”.
When I look at that horrible, horrible time in my life when I felt useless, worthless, poor, a drain on society as well as trying to cope with physical pain, I see an amazing thing happened during that time.
I found out who I was. Underneath all the busy-ness. Under all the “stuff” that gave me value. Without the façade of make-up, nice clothes and polite socialising. Beneath the “fun” me.
I found out what I was without that. I found out that I am not my body. I am not my money. I am not my contribution to society. I am not my job. I am not my social life.
And possibly even more importantly: I am not my church. I am not my good causes. I am not my charitable donations. I am not who my pastor says I am. I am not who my friends say I am. I am not who my husband thinks I am. I am not who I thought I was.
I am who God says I am. I have intrinsic value, simply because I am human and have that divine spark of life in me, regardless of how I am treated and what is done to me.
I am who I am and because of the pain I know it. And that is beautiful.
Isaiah 61 verse 3
The Living Bible – “To all who mourn in Israel he will give: beauty for ashes; joy instead of mourning; praise instead of heaviness.”
King James Version (in honour of a friend) - “ To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness..”
The Message - “….give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes….. “
For now the ashes have gone, but the beauty remains and maybe now I can see the good that has come from it all.
KG
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