Why can't christians talk about sex?
Sex... oooh it’s a dirty word. Or is it?
As a teenager I always talked about sex with my group of friends. But as soon as I started attending church as a 20 something I noticed that high on the list of "terrible sins" was sex outside of marriage, more than that, sex even inside marriage was suddenly on the list of things "we do not speak of". So it was with enormous pleasure that one day I attended a women’s conference, where the main topic discussed was sex (and not in a creepy way). Let me explain.
As a teenager, with raging hormones etc. etc. I eyed up the opposite sex and giggled about them. My friends and I read Cleo and other ridiculous magazines and discussed our findings in great detail. Any experience with a boy was dissected and discussed for days on end. It was a great bonding experience. At sleep overs the more tired we would get, the sillier we would get until sex jokes were so hilarious we couldn't breathe.
As a women in my early twenties, when I started attending church I quickly realised that this sort of thing was no longer "done". But I missed it. The laughs, the bonding, the open discussion, encouragement that I was "normal" and genuine learning from each other that did occur. Even when I made friends with other women my age and socialised, sex was just not something we ever spoke of, except in a way that made it clear that we "shouldn't" be talking about it.
The general feeling was that when you are in the church, especially in leadership you cannot in anyway show or discuss the fact that you are a sexual being as well as a spiritual being. That part of you just got shut away, you could discuss it with your husband but that was it. And if your husband isn't a chatter..... then you can discuss it with yourself.
So going from someone whose main topic of casual conversation with close friends was giggling over sex, to someone who couldn't was hard for me.
The church I was attending had a yearly women’s conference that it encouraged all women to attend. This particular year the speaker was Shannon Ethridge. So I went, I took my sister for moral support too. She now refers to it as "that sex conference we went to". See an interview with Shannon about her book here.
But it was amazing. It opened up a dialogue between young and older Christian women that had been shut to us ever since we joined the church. The speaker was an amazing woman; Shannon Etheridge and she spoke openly and honestly about sex in marriage and how to be fully committed to God while still admitting you are a sexual being. I bought her book "The sexually confident wife" and yes, I got the black cover (with line drawings not just words). That conference gave me the freedom to feel like myself again, to discuss sex with the other women and giggle.
When you get married in the church, that seems to be it. Everyone assumes you are doing it, but no one wants to know (because it’s icky, and how can I look you in the eye.... ew what if my parents have sex?). No one will discuss this, huge part of your life with you (or not in a normal non-creepy way).
I don't know why Christians can't talk about sex, but I do know that for so many Christians its sex that draws them away from the church and God. Its wanting to live with your boyfriend or girlfriend, its jumping into a marriage after knowing someone 2 weeks because you want to sleep with them but also want it to "be right with God", it’s when an affair tears someone’s life apart.
Obviously it is a very sensitive and delicate subject. But I firmly believe you should be able to discuss sex (in non-graphic non-personal detail) with close Christian friends of the same gender as you. More than that, I think that if we cut all talk of sex out of our lives, our young people are going to know we are not the people to go to, to discuss it. They will know that we are out of touch with the reality of their lives and know that what we believe is irrelevant because the biggest thing in their lives is something we won't talk about. (except to say DON"T).
I think that if we can't talk about sex with Christians:
How can we make decisions about sex that are fully thought out?
How can we get good solid Christian teaching on it?
How do we know what’s ok, what’s not, what’s normal, what’s not?
How can we get a Christian perspective on love and life?
How can we support each other to stay on track with God?
How can we see warning signs in others’ lives that they need us to intervene or pray?
Let’s talk about sex people!
KG
Ps- Shannon has amazing resources for married couples and for anyone trying to talk to a young person etc. Check them out here.
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